I had a conversation last evening that made me feel like I had a sleep disorder for the whole night. It wasn’t the person or the circumstances. I just realised how bad I am when it comes about expressing myself out loud.
Whoever knows me would say that I talk a lot of s**t right now. It seems like a paradox, they would argue, simply because I am an extremely sociable person. But there’s a difference between talking and actually saying something about you.
I also don’t write a lot about my feelings, so I can’t say that I am stuck in between the walls of this blog. I guess I simply don’t express my feelings that often, and that’s it.
However, whenever I am doing that, I do it because I really need to reveal myself, because I haven’t probably done it in a long time and I feel that my people need that as well.
I am not talking about the ‘I love you’s’ that my sister or my family gets to hear from me. Or about expressing my gratitude towards my friends or the world, in general.
I am talking about the real, deep problems or situations that we get to deal with. I wish I would be able to express myself out loud better, but most of the times I would tell the person that I am talking with that I simply can’t and I will just write it down for him/her.
For me, writing is a deep way of connecting with myself. Finding my words is a way of carefully preparing to expose the most delicate things. And above all, I somehow feel like it is a lot more elegant to write about your feelings, rather than talk about them.
But again, that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be less complicated than this. I just want my loved ones to understand who I am and what are the ways that they can understand me the best. When I stop and say that I’d rather write about that and send it to you, take my words for granted.
Over the time, I proved to myself (here, and here and here) that writing down my feelings helps a lot better that talking about them. Because I’ll always have them. If I am writing about you, you must be really important to me. It means that I want to always have you. In my head, on my blog, in my life.
So don’t encourage me to talk and speak up my mind, but send me to write instead. I’m clearer and smarter that way. Or at least, I hope I am.
Photo source: personal archive